In her book, Stumbling Toward Faith, Renee Alston tells her story about a father who was abusive in her childhood. This situation was even more extreme because her dad was a leader in their church and as horrible as it sounds, would quote scriptures and sing hymns while he was abusing her. Obviously, this gave her a distorted view of the church and more importantly a distorted view of God.
Her book is about her journey of wanting nothing to do with God, especially viewing God as Father, and how she came back to faith. It wasn't a smooth journey but a journey that led back to a God of grace and love.
In this post, I want to talk briefly about what our response might be to those who are suffering. Just as I believe that those who are in the midst of suffering should enter into it, I also believe that the way that we help others is that we "enter into" their suffering with them. This isn't easy. It takes time, sometime money, it costs us emotional hard times, spiritual hard times, it causes us to question, and everything that we thought we once knew could be called into question. That isn't easy!
Alston said that the church was often a place that made the wounds deeper rather than help heal the wounds. Most often, people were more interested in saying things that made themselves feel better rather than her. They were more interested in keeping their theological framework in tact rather than entering into the hurt, pain, and questions. She said:
"People feared for my salvation and their own expectations of Christianity were threatened. My pain didn't fit into their carefully prescribed solutions, their falsely created illusions of "what God does" and "who God is". My questions, my despair, my broken stilted half-destroyed faith wasn't good enough for their pat answers and had no place among them. They wanted a God who changed lives, who eliminated doubt and fear, who was greater than any situation, any person's pain."
Don't mis-read what she said. She believes God is bigger than everything...however, sometimes people would say that because God is that big that he should get rid of everyone's pain and problems. As I stated in an earlier post, I am not sure that is very Biblical. He didn't get rid of darkness or the water, but entered into it. If people believe in a God that gets rid of all bad situations and they meet someone going through a bad situation, they have to figure out why and what is wrong so that they don't have to rethink their view on God. This is very hurtful and isolating. Once again, people say the nicest things but sometimes they are also very hurtful. They don't mean too, but once again, they seem to be making themselves and their view of God make sense in the midst of the pain.
When Caleb was first getting his biopsy done (I may have posted about this earlier...not sure so if it is a repeat, feel free to skip down) we were in the waiting room. We had just found out that he might have cancer the night before and they were finding out for sure. As parents, we were a mess. We had a ton of people from the church around us and praying for us. We turned that waiting room into a prayer room!
The hospital chaplain was called and asked to come and chat with us a bit without us knowing it. He knelt down beside us and asked a question. He told us who he was and asked, "How are you feeling?" What a question! I am sure it was easy to see the tears and hear the sobs and realize that things were not good. I think Tera said something like, "what do you mean...my son has cancer. How am I supposed to feel?" I can't remember how the rest of the conversation went, but I remember sitting there thinking, "I know you are trying to do your job, but you are speaking as an outsider. We have all these people here who have chosen to enter into this situation with us. That is what we need...that is what is helping. We don't need answers, we need support and love. We don't need you to tell us where God is, we need to FEEL God around us. We don't need to hear how big God is, we need to FEEL how big God is." He eventually asked us what faith we were. I told him I was a pastor and that all the people in the lobby were from the church to journey with us through this situation. He did his best (I think) and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, he also had an idea about who God was and instead of entering into the journey with us, he asked a lot of pat questions and gave a lot of pat answers.
I have asked myself, "What could he have done or said that would have been better?" I am not saying I have all of the answers or that he doesn't do his job well. I guess what would have been more comforting for us that day would have been for him to say, "I can't imagine what you are going through right now (or, I know exactly what you are going through...I have been there also), is there anything I can do for you? Do you need anything? Can I just sit here? Would you like to pray? Please, let me know. I am here to be with you and if you need anything, let me know." Once again, I am not sure if anything would have helped in that moment...but patten answers really didn't help either.
I really think that when we enter into the situations of life with those who are hurting and allow ourselves to be vulnerable with them, God uses that beyond any words or answers we can speak or give.
Renee describes her pastor and how he helped her ultimately come back to faith. She says:
"My friend is a pastor but he didn't bring God back to me with words. He didn't just preach hope and life, he lived it...he still lives it. He helped bring life and hope to me. He saw my deadness and my brokenness and entered into it instead of trying to talk me out of it. He acknowledged my despair and then quietly, without words, pointed the way to something bigger than him. He pointed me to springtime and light and life, all the while acknowledging the winter, the darkness, the pain."
He didn't try to explain away the darkness but rather lived hope in the midst of it. Once again it isn't easy, but I am not sure it was ever said that life was. It is much easier, like Job's friends, to stand back and try to figure out why Job is going through it. It is much harder to say, "I don't understand it all but we are going to do this together. I have a lot of questions about why and how, but I am going to enter into this with you and we will find God together in the midst of it."
So, when you see someone going through a rough time, be slow to speak and quick to enter into whatever is they are going through with them. It will cost you a lot...know that for sure. But, it will help those who are suffering and you might just learn more about who God is and where He is in the mist of suffering as well.
Just some thoughts!
I love this Jeremy. So beautiful.
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