Recap of Today- April 11th, 2012

I feel like I have kept you up to day on a lot, but here are a few things I learned when I got back to hospital.

There is a road map for the next 20 days, starting tomorrow. Know that it is tentative in the fact that it all depends on Caleb's body and how it reacts to the chemo. If he gets sick while we are home or if his levels may not be what they should be when he has his clinic visits, it could be altered in order to help his body fight the cancer.

Starting tomorrow, he will start his 2nd cycle of chemo. When they said it was going to be a more intense treatment, they were not kidding! We originally were thinking that there would be a chance for us going home Monday. However, this was either wishful thinking or best case scenario. After the scans were read by someone who gets paid to read them, we realize it will be a bit longer. As of right now, we are scheduled to go home next Thursday if everything goes as planned. When he is home, he will have meds that he will take daily if not several times a day. After we go home, he will have weekly check ups in the clinic. If everything goes as planned, 20 days after tomorrow, we will be ready to start the next round. We do not know anything beyond that.

They are saying that Caleb's body is getting ready to go on a roller coaster ride. There are going to be high days like we have had the past couple of days and there will be low days. Our prayer is that we will have grace to get through all the days.

This journey is so weird! I went to youth group tonight and told the teens that my faith has been stretched like never before. If this were happening to me, it would be so much easier I think to swallow and accept. But, since it is happening to my child, it takes it to an entirely different level! I have had doubts...not in God though. I believe He is who He says He is, but more in my faith. Has my faith been something that I knew about, or something that I actually lived? Is it something I learned to talk about in college or something that caused me to live differently? Is it something I can get up and talk about for 30-40 minutes with teens and in church gatherings or is it something that will keep me in the midst of the best and worst times? Basically, have I talked a good game without ever really having to live it out? I have to say I am still working through it, but one thing I know for sure, it will be different than it is currently when we get beyond this. It will not be complete or finished, but it will be better and stronger.

I can't say I know where this journey will take me on any level. I am not sure I am up for this spiritually, emotionally, physically or any other -ally that I have. So, I will do only what I can and believe that God will meet me where I end and carry me through! That is the only hope that I have...maybe I should have started there a long time ago. Maybe that is the only place God CAN change me...where me ends is where He begins! (Sorry English people...I know that last sentence is probably driving you crazy...but get over it...it will be ok.) That sounds so cliche, but honestly it is all I have at this point and so I will cling to that hope!

So, we journey on! Caleb did get to meet Cooper tonight! He was really excited about it! He said they talked about medicine, feeding tubes (I am not sure Cooper has one, so he was wondering why Caleb did), ports, school and not being able to go to school, etc. I wasn't able to be here when that happened, but I am praying that a friendship will grow and that they can journey together through this difficult time in their lives.

Once again, you will never know how loved and embraced we feel. As I was walking to my car after youth group tonight, someone stopped me and prayed over me right where we were. It meant so much! We feel the prayers going up for us and we are truly grateful. We would not be able to do this alone!

Have a great night!

Grace and Peace!