I am sitting in 7126. Caleb is fast asleep...all meds have been taken that he needs to take until 5 am when they will wake him again to take more meds. If he needs more pain meds, he can have them at 2 am I think. Hopefully, it will not come to that.
His mouth is looking a lot better. We are putting cream on his lips and it seems to help give moisture to them which helps overall. He had a little bit of a breakdown I heard when I was on my way up after church. My brother Seth was getting ready to leave and he didn't want that at all. So, Seth stayed for a bit. After he went back to sleep, Seth headed home for much needed rest.
Not sure exactly about why the breakdown happened. I am sure it is a lot of things combined. He is in the hospital again, his mouth is killing him (which doesn't allow him to eat without pain), and he cannot leave the room. I am sure all this piled on top of each other, with a few other things as well, would cause anyone to lose their mind! I am not experiencing what he is on any level, and honestly, I am having a hard time with everything as well.
I hate to say it, but those few days at home when he was feeling good, I started to let my mind slip into the idea that things were going to potentially get back to normal again quicker than anyone had thought. I mean he was looking good, acting like he felt good, and doing just about anything he wanted to do (within reason). So, in my mind I was thinking that this was going to be great and I would be able to have a somewhat normal schedule of being in the office a bit and doing things that needed to get done.
Now that we are back here, I feel like I am going through somewhat of a grieving process again. I am once again grieving the fact that life is different and will continue to be different from this point forward. I wonder if this is what it is like to lose someone you are really close to? Are there times that you think, "I am getting back to life as normal" only to be reminded that it will never be the same normal as before? The emotions are many...sadness, pain, uneasiness, confusion, loss, anger, and fear (as well as many more). It is almost like I am riding Space Mountain and the moment I think I know what is coming, something happens that throws all that out the window. The second I think a drop is coming, I actually start to head into a loop. I can't say it is fun, but I know that we will make it!
I bet this is what the disciples felt so many times when they were with Jesus. As I study, I feel like there were so many times they were thinking, "Oh man, I know exactly what this means...I know where this is going" only to find out it was really nothing like that at all. In fact, most of the times it was either opposite or on a different playing field all together. I mean the Son of Man doesn't die...what is that all about?
So, it seems that we are not alone on this journey. Thousands have been where we are and I take comfort in that. The doubts, anger, frustration, and fear that I have is nothing new to God or to His people. Hebrews 12 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
I am a part of the story of God and that story is made up of people who struggled, doubted, and wrestled with God in the midst of many of life circumstances. I guess I can join them in their struggle. I am not saying I am like them or that I should be compared to them whatesoever. Quite the opposite! But, since I am surrounded by them, I will do my best to run the race with them! It seems that is all I can do! To give up at this point would seem silly! He has done so much for me that I can't help but respond to the love he has shown me time and time again. I can't say I am happy or that I love our current situation in life...but I embrace it and believe that in the midst of it I can be made a little more like Him! If not, this is a cruel joke!
Have a great night!
Grace and Peace
2 Cor. 4:16-18
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